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Heavy snow.
Roads were kept closed all day.
Day went away quickly, blue to gold to pink to purple
blank
neutral
stretched itself, stretching with it my soul I spent so much time sewing on its edges
until the street lamps turned on
oddly two by two
and evening found me alone in front of the fireplace
opening manufactured wishing cards from several foundations for my eightieth Christmas.
Card by card my moves grew heavier.



"You have to slow down!" you cried out.
"Set your priorities! Think about your personal life a bit!"
Oh, for chrissakes put yourself where you belong in this world.
Be rational.
What priorities? Love isn't for the 25-year-olds.
We have an individual future, a career, we lack time - at least I do.
December was really cold that year, ash coloured clouds passing quickly and freezing wind creeping through your trousers
along your spine
all the way up to your neck.
Ten minutes ago I was staring blankly at the water currents flowing down the shut maple door.

Like the water beneath the bridge several months before that discussion...

Sun rays glimmered on your teeth
and crept through my pores to short-circuit my hemispheres,
sparks forming a halo around my head
and burning every yellow autumn leaf they met on the ground.
The park was beautiful that day:
ducks floating on the grey lake,
students sitting on the grass underneath the trees,
kids sitting in couples on the cradle swings
their brownish reflection vivid in your eyes.




"You can't be serious, it's our anniversary!"
Anniversary or not, university comes first.
First year is the most important after all.
"But baby! We've been a couple for six whole months! That's half a year!
Just skip a class, no one will notice!"
It's a matter of principle,
of being ahead of the rest from the very beginning.
Laying the foundation.
That outbreak proved to be just the tip.
Next thing I knew, the freefall had ended, cracking the pavement. Head first.
One still sees the cracks.

Just like the cracks on the pavement of the Heidelberg bridge on the school trip 4 months before the talk.

You were walking in front of me with your girlfriends,
crystal clear laughter pooling in the dimples on your cheeks as it burst through your mouth.
Once or twice every ten steps there was this quick glance you gave me,
stunning my every cell.
Electricity.
So that, in that moment of corporal inanimation
I had the time to realize how lucky I am.
I told you that under a tree by Neckar, when we sneaked out of the hotel on the last night.



I saw you at a Christmas party.
5th grade.
I mean, I saw you every day at school
but that time really had me watching
pointy hat to shiny shoes.
Butterflies fluttered scared in my stomach
but all you saw were the feelers, I guess.
I must have looked like an alien, when I came
and started talking to that friend of yours standing next to you about maths
thinking I'd pass for smart
and cool
and then I could.....I  didn't know how things were supposed to continue after that at that age....
Doesn't really matter.
You left as soon as I opened my mouth anyway.
Once, maybe twice, you looked my way
and that was it.
I joined the other boys in the living room in front of the fireplace for scary stories.




Fireplace is still burning
and the flame projects on my mind slides engraved on my retina over the years.
A knock on the door would be nice right now...
Fireplace is still burning.
No use.
Doctor called it chronic hypothermia.
That's for the #Inspiring-Words "music" contest ( [link] ) supposed to be inspired by this ( [link] ) piece. Please read following the changes in the musical piece. I divided the poem to make it easier ( maybe listen to the piece on its own first since it's great and then with the poem).
:iconshabboth:
Critique by Shabboth Shabboth/critique/455485045">Aug 21, 2011, 4:54:55 AM
Thank you for requesting a critique from :iconlitplease:. My apologies for the wait, I hope you can forgive us.

This is a very evocative piece of poetry you have here. Normally I don't care much for free verse poetry, as the lack of required structure is too often used as an excuse to be lazy. You have been anything but lazy.

I thoroughly enjoyed the structure of the piece. The progressive regression into the past with pauses for mesmeric gazing at objects (the maple door) speaks to me. Cellos make me think of nostalgia as well.

The only suggestions I can think to make are regarding a couple of word choices and one or two grammatical errors.

and evening found me

I'd suggest changing "found" to "finds" here. It would help to make a distinction between the now and the time of the remembrances. Purely a feel/style thing though.

Card by card my moves grew heavier.
"moves" and "heavier" don't work very well together for me. I'd suggest "my movements slowed", or something like that. I feel like his movements slow not because he's tired (heavy) but because his attention is elsewhere.

all the way up to your neck.
Ten minutes ago I was staring blankly at the water currents flowing down the shut maple door.

I'd suggest a blank line between these two lines. It would help keep separate times separate.

crept through my pores to short-circuit my hemispheres,

I love this line.

Heidelberg brigde
bridge

as it bursted through your mouth


The past tense of "to burst" is "burst". "as it burst through your mouth". As a Canadian, I also prefer "snuck" to "sneaked" (last line of the same stanza) but sneaked is correct outside of North America (and correct within North America as well, but less common).

I see nothing else here to improve. I quite enjoyed the structure, as I said. I also love how you tied some of your imagery and symbols together. The wood grain of the door with the ripples in the river, and the two fireplaces in particular.

Thank you for writing this.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.
Shabboth/critique/455485045#comments">1 Reply

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